“Acceptance of the unacceptable is the portal to Grace. That includes acceptance that I cannot accept the acceptable.”  Echart Toile

I try very hard to live in the  Being Here….Being Now. I try to walk this talk in my daily life in words and deed. This is often easier said than done.  Daily falling short of my goal, finding myself falling back or leaping forward,  I humbly and patiently charge myself with returning to Being here and Being now. Luckily there is now a distinct physical sensation  when my brain engages my egoic mind dragging it (and me in tow) down the rabbit hole of narcissistic everlasting loop of brain drain chatter. There are many ways this malaise can camouflage itself. How about long argumentative conversations with invisible people who aren’t there, giving them “a piece of my mind”!!!!  Oh yeah! Those are always good on the freeway. Or how about worry. OMG my extremely vivid imagination can see taste smell snatch in thrilling detail the potentially horrible situation that could, might, maybe, possibly occur and OMG…..what the hell am I going to do when THAT happens!!!” Ah worry……. the utterly useless waste of my brain cells. Reliving the past or projecting into the unknown future  is my ego’s primary tool to keep me asleep, distracted, and powerless in my own life.

I’ve worked most of my life in one capacity or another exploring one discipline or another to develop a consistent tolerance for being “present.” We are not trained or encouraged to live in the here and now. Our parents probably didn’t know how to do it, so bless their well meaning hearts they never taught us. You can’t teach what you don’t know. I am devotee of being Here and Now as I try to impart this simple, though sometimes difficult, concept in word and more importantly by example to my daughter.  I would want to maybe save her world of wasted time and missed experiences. One of the primary exercises in practicing Being Here and Now is meditation. I’ve been meditating since I was 15. I do not by any means have perfect practice. In fact, I have had a lousy practice in the last 10 years or so, or so I falsely judge myself. There have been years when I religiously rose at 3am every morning  and “sat” for hours, or went of to silent retreats lasting weeks, or chanted at dawn in temples tucked into of the Japanese Alps.  That was then…this is now. Wanting to get back on a more  “disciplined” spiritual wagon, I’ve just rejoined a group to which I am accountable for my weekly devotional contemplations. It is taking me forever to settle down and get into the rhythm. No surprise. I’ve also chosen to become “disciplined” again in the midst of more  personal change than I have had in recent times. “Lorraine, must you always do it the hard way? Lord.”

So tonight, with this low grade flu in my system and this low constant hum of unspecified anxiety, my own fears mingling with that of the world’s, my Spirit is crying out for Being. Just Being. A coming present to Myself with myself in honor of my true Self. I need to meditate. I’m gonna drop down, go deep, turn it off, so as to hear the hush of my heartbeat pump in my ears, feel the familiar devolve of of blood and bones and brain, to know only the rise an fall of breath beyond my control.  I will rest in  my quiet darkened womb place beyond Here beyond Now, beyond Monkey Mind.  I want this tonight more than chocolate. Can’t wait for lights out.

I love Being. Lovely.